


The Aidean Punfic

by SamanthaBlue



Category: The Hobbit RPF
Genre: Collaboration, Crack, Crack Without Plot, M/M, PWP, Plane!Fic, ahh please don't kill me, kind of silly, mild hair kink, the boys are turned on by puns, worst porn ever
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-16
Updated: 2013-07-19
Packaged: 2017-12-20 08:15:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/885026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SamanthaBlue/pseuds/SamanthaBlue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Aidan and Dean spend a boring flight seeing who can come up with the most words that are puns on their names. Sounds like this flight has potential to be deansastrous.</p>
<p>Whoops my finger slipped and I added pun filled sex.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> (Crappy bordering on non-existent) plot written by me, puns written by me and my lovely friend Kishanti (@kishpom on Twitter), who does not have an AO3 account. Thank you sweetie darling!!
> 
> Set probably round the release of DoS (which hasn't happened yet, so future people please forgive any inaccuracies).

“You have to turn that off, Aidan,” Dean said.

Aidan just bent further over his phone, texting faster as the plane began to move, causing him to make more mistakes and spend even longer fixing them. “You know this thing autocorrected your name to Sean?” he said as he finally finished texting, shutting off his phone as the flight attendant glared daggers at him. 

“Really?” Dean said mildly, looking out the window and getting a last look at New York. “That’s odd; it’s a common name.”

“I know,” said Aidan. “I’m so offendeaned.”

Dean thought he heard wrong at first, but when he looked at Aidan he saw a small smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. “Offendeaned?”

“Yeah, people make puns out of the name Dean,” Aidan explained. “I think it started when they did it on Community. Seemed a good time, seeing as the phone insulted your name…”

Dean shook his head, chuckling softly. “That’s aidtrocious,” he said. 

Aidan’s head snapped in his direction. “Oh, are we deanfinitely going to do this?” he asked, one eyebrow cocked.

“Aidsolutely,” said Dean. “I can outpun you.”

“Studeant of puns, are you?” Aidan asked. 

“I’ve had a good aiducation, yes.”

“Well I have a masters deangree,” shot back Aidan.

Dean grinned but then clenched his jaw as the plane left the ground. He didn’t like that sensation. “Imadean if fans could hear this,” he said. 

“They might start calling it the Deansolation of Smaug.”

“Or the next movie There and Back Aidgain.” Neither man had any intention of giving in first. 

“They might find that deansappointing, though,” said Aidan. “Lack of an actual Hobbit and all.”

“There could be a certain aidlure to it,” said Dean.

“Fangirls are probably deaning of the day they’ll get to watch a movie all about Dean,” said Aidan, rather nicely. Dean smiled at the hidden compliment. “If you know what I dean.” Of course, he had to ruin it by making it sexual.

There was a brief pause in the conversation. “Wonder how cold it’ll be in Aidsterdam,” he mused. He was rather looking forward to seeing the city.

Aidan looked at him, and Dean could tell he had been hoping Dean would have given up. It was quite exhausting, thinking of new puns. “You ever been?” Aidan asked. “I haven’t, but my mum did take me on holiday to Deanmark when I was a kid.”

“Once,” Dean answered. “Quite an aidttractive city.” He stretched his legs out as much as he could under the seat in front of him (Aidan had demanded the aisle, as he was taller and needed more room to stretch his legs). “Very aidffectionate people.”

“Sounds deanteresting,” said Aidan. “I heard it’s an historic place. Been around for several mildeannia.” Actually, Aidan had no idea as to the history of Amsterdam, nor did he particularly care. He just wanted to use the word “mildeannia”.

“But if you take my aidvice you’ll watch out when you cross pathways. They have little mini roads for bikes. Tourists could get hit by them.”

“That would be deanvastating.”

Dean was about to reply when Richard poked his head up over the seat in front of them. His eyes slid between the pair, mouth open in a quizzical expression. Aidan and Dean both flushed red under his gaze and neither said anything.

Eventually Richard chuckled a little. “Sounds like you two have issues,” he said.

There was a sudden shadow across them, and Aidan and Dean looked up to find James Nesbitt leaning over their seats from behind. “Yeah,” he said in a cheeky voice. “Stop being so deanstracting!”

Both of the older men sat back down and Aidan and Dean were left in silence. Predictably, it didn’t last too long: Aidan had never had the longest attention span in the world. “With all these Aidean puns we could write a deantionary.”

“Only if you let me aidit it.”

“This is really aideanttive; I don’t think I can stop.” Aidan grunted suddenly as the back of his seat was kicked hard by James.

“Well, you’re gonna,” the older Irishman said. “It’s been a long day and I’ve not had a wink of sleep. Goodnaid.”

In front of him, Dean and Aidan grinned at each other. Perhaps it was good Jimmy was tired. Had he chosen to join in, it was likely neither of them would win, so they were glad to claim equal victory in the First Great War of Puns.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Non existant plot and very bad porn by me, puns by me, my dear friend Kishanti (@kishpom on Twitter) and new collaborator Bagwins (@iseeya_ on Twitter). Thank you so much, this would certainly never have been written if not for you guys!!!

Amsterdam was just as beautiful as Dean promised, and the people were lovely. But even with the sparkling of the canals under the winter sunlight and the warm atmosphere generated by the people, Aidan and Dean could not wait to just go back to the hotel room.

It was not for the same reason as Richard, who found it difficult to sleep on planes and really just wanted to lie down, a sentiment shared by at least a few colleagues. Aidan and Dean had been carrying out a secret affair for a few months now, ever since they had returned to New Zealand to film the Battle of Five Armies. Holding one another as their characters died had opened up a lot to the two young actors, and even with all the hardships that entailed a long distance relationship (which it had been since filming wrapped), they were willing to try. 

In short, both Aidan and Dean were horny and were keen to capitalise on their time together. 

It was late when they got back, but it didn’t sap the energy that was generated by excitement at being together. It was convenient that Fíli and Kíli were always paired off together and Aidan and Dean tended to share a hotel room – it avoided much sneaking around in the corridors. It barely took time enough for the door to swing closed before they were on each other. Aidan’s curls had grown back since he had cut them off in the winter (their relationship had been too new at the time to put in a request, but Dean had really been hoping Aidan would decide to grow his hair out again) and now Dean’s hands wrapped in them, tugging only slightly. Aidan grunted into the kiss. 

Aidan’s hands, which had been fisted in Dean’s jacket, pushed slightly, and Dean broke the kiss. “James is downstairs in the bar,” he said breathlessly. “Richard went back early; he’ll be asleep by now.”

Dean’s mouth quirked: he understood exactly what Aidan was saying. James and Richard were their neighbours on either side, both too old and famous to have anyone sharing their rooms. “Are you thinking what I’m deaning?” 

Aidan’s eyes lit up with mirth. “Richard’s a haidy sleeper,” he replied. “And the sex has gotten rather easy.”

Dean frowned. “What would you have done if you didn’t become an actor?” he asked suddenly.

Aidan smiled that smile that lit up Dean’s world. “English teacher,” he admitted.

“Why is that so hot?” Dean gasped, then surged forwards to reclaim Aidan’s lips. 

They wasted no time, making it towards the bed and falling down onto it. Aidan’s longer legs were dangling a little uncomfortably, but he didn’t mind. He had already tugged off Dean’s jacket and was working on his shirt.

Dean had gotten most of Aidan’s shirt unbuttoned and was mouthing at his collarbone. He was pulled off as Aidan yanked Dean’s T-shirt off his head, and he glared at his younger boyfriend in mock annoyance. “Don’t push me off; you might end up having to masturbaid.”

“Oh, like you’d ever give up a chance to copulaid,” Aidan chuckled, then grabbed Dean’s arms and rolled them both until he was sitting on top.

Dean pushed the rest of Aidan’s shirt off his shoulders and it fell on the bed next to them. He grabbed Aidan’s waist as his younger boyfriend began kissing his jaw, moving down to his neck. “God,” Dean gasped as one of Aidan’s hands came down to palm his hardening cock, straining through his jeans. “You’re so saiductive.”

“And you’re so beaudeanful,” Aidan mumbled against Dean’s chest. His mouth kept moving downwards, the little butterfly kisses that Dean loved driving him wild. He paused at a nipple, running his tongue around it until Dean’s hand attached itself to Aidan’s curls again, and Aidan hummed in pleasure. 

Aidan moved swiftly down his body now, and soon he was dragging Dean’s hips towards the edge of the bed. He slid off the bed, kneeling between Dean’s thighs and tugging down his jeans. Dean’s cock sprang immediately to attention, and Aidan whispered, “O’gormangeous.”

Dean smiled with pride at Aidan’s strange compliment, and then he bucked and groaned out, “Oh god!” as Aidan’s talented mouth engulfed him in one stroke. Dean’s hands once again found their way into Aidan’s hair and he struggled not to thrust forward in case he choked Aidan. But Aidan was a pro, and even with Dean’s larger than normal size he managed to take Dean far enough into his mouth that he hit the back of Aidan’s throat, more than once. 

“C’mon baby,” Dean ground out, though he was painfully close and did not want to say anything to ruin that. “You’re bringing me too close to the aidge.”

“But you’re so deanlicious,” Aidan whined.

“And your mouth is unbelievably deanlectable,” Dean said. 

Aidan laid his head against Dean’s knee. “I just what to sadeansfy you.”

“I will be.” Dean tugged Aidan up to sit on the bed next to him and leaned in close, whispering into the shell of his ear. “I don’t want to deanjaculate until you’re penetraiding me.”

“God,” Aidan groaned. “You talk so deanty.”

“You can’t talk, down there sucking my cock like a slaid.”

“Uh,” Aidan grunted, and Dean knew his words were having more of an effect that Aidan wanted to let on.

“Get those pants off,” Dean growled now, and suddenly Aidan found himself on his back as Dean tugged off his pants and underwear.

“Lube?” Aidan grunted. “Last time we tried aidal we only used spit and it didn’t work so well.”

“Don’t worry,” Dean said, a smile on his face as he crawled over to the other edge of the bed. Their bags were stashed down there, and it was just a quick lean down for Dean to grab the lube (it had strategically been placed at the top of the bag). He made his way back and straddled Aidan, grinning and shaking the tube. “Your man provaides.”

Aidan grinned, eyes darkened with lust and, in the dim light, they almost looked like Mitchell’s when he was vamped up. Dean would be lying if he said he hadn’t jacked off to that more than once.

Dean squirted the lube onto his fingers. It was cold to the touch, but he didn’t want to wait for it to warm up. Aidan sat up right as Dean’s finger entered his body, and then they were kissing again. Dean felt Aidan’s hands grab his ass, and Dean’s spare hand was gripping Aidan’s shoulder. 

Aidan broke the kiss briefly, and whispered against Dean’s lips, “You’re boodeanlicious.”

Dean smiled, but the smile turned into a gasp as he inserted another finger and began scissoring them inside himself. He shifted his body forwards, and suddenly his cock was in contact with Aidan’s. Aidan moaned and the grip on Dean’s ass grew suddenly hard before his hands relaxed again. Dean shifted again, and Aidan’s arms wrapped around him, pulling him closer as they moved against each other. Aidan was panting heavily, and Dean knew he was close. He only added another finger for a cursory few thrusts before he pulled them out and lubed up Aidan’s cock. “Gotta get on with it,” he said, voice husky. “Don’t want either of us to o’gorgasm until you’re inside me.”

“Unh,” Aidan grunted, and Dean let out a huff as Aidan pushed him back until Dean was lying on his back on the bed, Aidan between his thighs. Aidan leaned down and engulfed Dean’s mouth again, guiding his cock into Dean’s waiting hole. 

Dean let out a loud moan, and when Aidan was hesitant to move too quickly for fear of hurting him, he wrapped his legs around Aidan and pulled him forwards. “C’mon,” he grunted, “you know I love your cock.”

“You love my cock?” grinned Aidan. “When you’re hung like a deanosaur?”

It was true: for such a small person Dean had a large cock. Aidan reached down and grabbed it now as he started to move, the hot, slick walls of Dean’s passage feeling like heaven around Aidan’s cock. 

“Haider,” Dean demanded suddenly and Aidan acquiesced, changing his angle slightly until Dean yelled inarticulately. “God – yes, there, haider!”

Aidan leaned his head down and began sucking on the juncture between Dean’s neck and his shoulder. “You’re deanlicious,” he groaned.

Dean didn’t respond: he was too lost in the dual sensations of Aidan gripping his cock and hitting his prostate with every thrust. He reached up and tugged hard on Aidan’s curls, and though Aidan’s mouth disappeared from his neck he knew from the shout that it was appreciated, and soon he was coming hard into Aidan’s hand.

Dean didn’t let up his grip on Aidan’s hair, and Aidan thrust only a few more times before coming as well. His head fell onto Dean’s shoulder while he caught the rest of his body with his elbows and he lay there, panting slightly, as Dean’s hands carded through his hair, softer now. “Well,” Dean said softly. “That was a hell of an aideanogasm.”

“We’re so aideanable,” Aidan said. 

Dean let out a soft chuckle. “Never thought I’d see the day where I discovered a pun kink.”

Aidan just nodded, exhausted. He pulled out and rolled over onto his back, grasping Dean’s hand as his arm snaked over his body. Together, the two drifted off into a contented slumber.

Downstairs, Richard sat down stiffly next to James as he was enjoying a drink with Graham.

“What happened, king?” James asked, signaling the bartender for another drink for Richard. “I thought you were sleeping.”

“I was,” grumbled Richard. “My room’s next to Aidan and Dean’s. He paused and swallowed heavily. “The men playing my nephews are sexually attracted to puns.”

Graham choked on his drink.

“Oh Richard,” said James, a broad smile on his face. “You really ought to learn to mind your own deansness.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ohgod I'm sorry I'll go back to my dark corner now.


End file.
